tick-tock tick-tock

i don't want to want to anymore.

i understand the principle of agency a little more everyday.

i'm grateful for the principle of compensation more and more everyday.

it's alright, it's okay.

someday we'll look back as we pass each other and we'll smile.

i know it was real, for a little while. and i'm grateful for what i learned.

thank you.

**

weekly re-cap:

at least the old men like me...

ex. 1. one of the brothers in the temple this week told me that they would have to change the font water after they baptized me because the water would be too sweet.

{awwww!}

ex. b. i spoke to a russian man on the phone at work and he told me i was one of the friendliest people he had ever met [even though we spoke over the phone and did not actually meet in person] but nonetheless it was still a cute moment in time.

**

-saturday-

tonight i got to use the word 'date'

and it was fun.

fridayfridayfriday

so, here's the thing... i value my sleep. i know that i have a wonderful life, but let's be honest, i'm struggling with some things {mainly one person}. my thought is that whoever is controlling my dreams should be considerate enough as to not allow me to dream about a certain someone. i request that while i am in the r.e.m. stage that i am NOT interrupted with lame, confusing dreams about a certain someone who may or may not have stepped on my heart so many times that it is broken into tiny pieces that are still stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

well, i continued my day by going to do baptisms at the temple...two hours later i came out feeling refreshed and ready to face the day.

while in the temple i began to feel myself becoming impatient, thinking, "why is this taking so long? why did that person get to go before me? why, why, why?" then, i caught myself. 

reflecting back on that time spent, i was able to witness two married couples baptize and do the work for their dead family members and the great joy that they felt once those names were completed. i was able to see a father baptize his son for their family members. i was also able to see a young girl do baptisms for her family while her mother stood by the side of the font, with tears of happiness in her eyes.

i couldn't help but wonder what my life may have been like had i been raised in a member family, and had i been able to begin attending the temple at a young age. i am so grateful that i found the way to where i needed to be and that Heavenly Father has been with me all along.

in the evening i was blessed to attend Elder Richard G. Scott's fireside at the ASU institute. what a wonderful evening it was. i was just excited to add another apostle to my list, seeing as how i have been able to be in the presence of Elder Bednar, Elder Perry and now Elder Scott all in the same year!!

Elder Scott gave wonderful, beautiful insights and i'm grateful for them. he said that it is good to take notes of things that we hear but even more important to write down what we feel; to write to what the Spirit is telling us. he spoke of the differences of communication between humans and understanding; and communication between us and the Spirit which comes by edifying. i wrote what i felt, i received a prompting, and i will admit i am scared to follow it but it's not anything i can lose again, seeing as how i have already lost it. i guess time will tell.

then, the night finished with a yummy dinner at cafe rio and frolicking/watching nacho libre at McKenzie's house. i love making new friends, i am so blessed at this point in my life. i am ready to be me and move forward.

quote of the day:

"get rid of your little black cloud; life is beautiful!"

Elder Scott

happy friday!

oh what i would give to jump in this bad boy and cruise out to california for a weekend on the beach...

caitlin in wonderland

Caterpillar: Who...are...you?

Alice: Why, I hardly know, sir. I 've changed so much since this morning, you see...

Caterpillar: No, I do not C, explain yourself.

Alice: I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know.

Caterpillar: I do not know.

Alice: I can't put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn't clear to me.

always know, and always remember

who are you?

i am a daughter of God.

i am a lover of all things vintage.

i am happiest taking care of loved ones.

i am a daydreamer.

i am a secret singer and ballerina in my bedroom.

i am striving to be more like Christ.

i am a planner, list maker and organizer.

i am in love.

i am a girl who wishes on stars.

i am {going to be} a mother, wife and grandmother.

{p.s. there will be no smoking allowed in my wonderland, ahem mr. caterpillar in a 'children's' movie.}

love story meets viva la vida

i guess sometimes we have to lose the people we love, otherwise we would never know how important they are to us.

someday, i'll get my story. 

and someday into eternity, everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt anymore.

{i think i dislike sometimes and someday.}

song of the day

wonderful world

james morrison

{photo via paper tissue}

tuesday no longer snooze-day

i started out today by going to my grandma's for my first water color lesson. {actually second seeing as how i started when i was like 8 years old but had ZERO patience.} i'm all grown up now.

then...i went with my girls grace and chanel to joe's bbq for a yummy dinner!

we were due for new pictures.

and i'm pretty sure me and this lovely lady have been friends for 10 years now. i still remember the day she walked in to my 6th grade classroom as the 'new girl.' i love my gracie, aka the asian persuasion.

then it was off to blakey's house to celebrate russy's birthday!!

{this picture was only taken because us girls were lame and all had braids in our hair...and i felt like i was 7 years old}

take it back

i feel like this sometimes.

but i want to feel this.

{photo via paper tissue}

ladies and gentlemen...saturday night

after attending the first half of a bbq/pool party i had the pleasure of going to a delicious dinner at Oregano's with my girlfriends Danielle and Ellen.

**during dinner i may or may not have over indulged in my favorite red cream soda.

...then we took pictures around the table and were just happy with life. 

after a yummy dinner consisting of salad, ziti, ravioli and pizza, it was off to Danielle's house to paint her bedroom. 

i let Ellen and Dano handle the taping of the argyle pattern on one of her walls (too much measuring for me) and i tackled painting the other walls light gray. so fun!

i must say, one of the biggest blessings that has come from my trials has been making new friends, i absolutely love and adore these girls!

somewhere over the rainbow

**my friday 

1. this morning i awoke from dreams of me and him getting married. i think i had about four of those dreams just last night. i mean honestly, i cannot even escape the lame reality of my life in my own sleep! even though it was ridiculous i will admit i spent a good hour snoozing trying to fall back into those dreams. it was kind of weird dreaming, and being fully aware of it. but for as long as the dream lasted i was feeling complete, giddy happiness; can you blame a girl for trying to fall back into that?

B. today was eventful: temple. bank. lowes. painted bedroom. dinner with girlfriends. played all night long with more friends; longboarding, vespa riding, church bell ringing, inflatable slide slipping FUN!! see pics on Katie's blog here.

C. i'm pretty sure my phone number ended up in the hands of an 18 year old boy from utah tonight. and i do not enjoy being introduced as "one of the most eligible girls in gilbert."

4. brainstorm: in mary poppins the children got to write their wish list of what they wanted their nanny to be like, 'must play games, all sorts. rosy cheeks, no warts.' 

who's to say i can't make a wish list and pray that future mr. man just shows up on my door

 step. 'must floss teeth, be a humble and worthy priesthood holder. sparkly eyes, no funky feet.'

happy weekend!

love for sale

i knew when it happened that it would be difficult.

it would not be fun.

but it was supposed to be worth it.

so far, in some ways it has been. 

maybe all my other stars are in line. except for this one. the biggest one.

he is my sun. 

but i guess unless the sun is gone you can't see the other stars.

if only i had known. 

it would have been different.

i wouldn't have taken a single moment for granted.

i would have held longer, prayed stronger and...

and what?

Jen girl, 

-thanks for being my dinner date and letting me 

  watch American Idol with you; dvr is a life saver!

-thanks for always being there for me and my problems.

-thanks for always greeting me with a smile, a high pitch squeal and a dance when i come over.

-thanks for loving me even though i'm a baby; both emotionally and age wise.

-thanks for listening to my stories and 

  supporting my crazy antics (or at least laughing about them with me).

-thanks for letting me poof your hair.

-thanks for calling to check on me.

-thanks for being beautiful, supportive, caring and always a good time.

**

and shoot, if it's a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard, then i am a low-fat smoothie and i will never get a man; but at least i'll have you!!

love you girl!

part one of: caitlin's fabulous/discount/incredible/edible/shabby/lovely 

bedroom RE-DO EXTRAVAGANZA!!

just the touch of brightness i was needing.

look for more (hopefully paint) to come this week!

dear anthropologie:

please, never have a 'sale' again.

while i am more than pleased with my purchases, and while i only justified these items because they are church clothes;

 i really would like to see you again soon...but only if you partner with forever 21 and get with the times of the infamous 5 dollar shirt.

see you in a few years.

miss you already.

caitlin.

its decided:

spring is past being sprung and i have yet to do my spring cleaning.

so i figure i'll just make an extravaganza of it and RE-DO my whole room.

i think about the only place i accept change is in my room and its decoration.

and seeing as how i will probably be at home with my room mates {aka parents} 

for at least another year i figure, why not?!

plus this will keep me extra extra busy and help drown other things out of my mind.

**

so, look for more to come on my fabulous/discount/incredible/edible/shabby/lovely 

bedroom RE-DO EXTRAVAGANZA!!

home

3 months. 84 days. 2016 hours.  

too long.

ok, what can i say... I AM WEAK!!

as much as i try to be strong i cannot follow my brain. 

logic tells me to be strong, move on, kick dirt in {his} face.

heart says wait, be patient, don't cry just continue.

i'm a dreamer. always have been always will be.

i wish for things, i hope for things, i believe in things.

the dreams keep coming and reality keeps waking me up.

i just want to be home. 

but my home is not made of 4 walls and a roof.

my home is made of blonde hair that shines like the sun, and blue eyes brighter than the sky.

my home is made of silly voices, freckles and a brilliant mind.

my home is made of a guarded heart, a strong testimony and an amazing ability to love.

my home is so close but so far away.

i just want to go home.

i don't like cats...let alone dead ones.

sooo...i found a new blog. i think it is hilarious. i just hope i am not an elizabeth...

5.Ex-Girlfriend Elizabeth

Yo Liz, it's over. Chill. This isn't Gossip Girl. You haven't the skill of Blair Waldorf. Only a very select few girls do. You haven't the Upper East Side street cred, nor do you have a Dorota. Guys realize the "many fish in the sea" mantra, because you have so aptly expressed the 2-1/3-1 girl/guy ratio innumerable times. You're an ex for a reason, why not accept it and move on? I know this might sound harsh, but whenever ex-girlfriend tries to trump new girlfriend, the words CRAZY & OBSESSIVE always comes to mind. You've seen all the movies, that usually doesn't sit too well with the guy. So if you're looking to upstage the new girlfriend, you can wait like a fool, but it's like finding a dead cat in the street. No one wants to see that...

“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy -- in fact, they're almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil...”Robert Heinlein

thank you {why mormon girls stay single}

here's to happiness

making this list was a splendid idea, why didn't i think of it sooner?

a list of 10 things that make me {terribly} happy:

1. apple limeade

2. riding my beach cruiser and feeling the wind comb my hair

3. sleeping on a cold pillow

4. laughing until it hurts

5. noodles

6. the tiny bubbles that escape from a bottle of dish soap when you squeeze it

7. his funny toes

8. anything home made

9. text messages

10. pajama parties

**happy list idea courtesy of the rockstar diaries

this is a darling blog that puts a little bit of cheer into every day

that's me on the bench, it's you in my heart.

song of the day:

i'll be seeing you

billie holiday

dear future husband...

i promise i will practice my piano more if you will do this with me when we are old...

its official...

i am now taking applications...

well at least i am now open to tip toeing my way into the presence of new boys 

{did i just say that?}

by next sunday it will have been 3 months since he made a promise, 

that so far has not been kept.

i however, refuse to search and do my own fishing on this one because last time i did, 

clearly it did not work out. 

looking for someone who will do these things with me:

have pajama parties

make dinner 

hold hands 

sing, laugh and dance

drive with the windows down

read scriptures

ride bikes

drink pop with crushy ice

go to the temple

and if any boy does come across my name or vice versa,

 i'm going to need the following:

**picture

missionary badge

and

proof of a temple recommend

**must also have clean teeth and nice hands 

Dear Steve...

...thank you for being there for me when i was in some serious emotional need of a fine new pair of shoes. 

i quite like these yellow, suede shoes.

no one knows style like you mr. madden.

 i shall wear them every sunday,

 {considering the amount of money i shelled out on them}. 

what if your eyes close before mine?

hurry.hurry.hurry.hurry.hurry.

beautifully broken

well, i have one of my last big finals tomorrow morning at 7:30 am yuck! 

but i will be more than happy to be done with this bio class!

what's even better is that right after i take my exam i am headed off to the lake with friends; kind of like the example of someone running on a treadmill while you hold a cupcake in front of them...a nice reward for working so hard.

**

I had the opportunity to recieve a priesthood blessing tonight from one of my best friends' dad.

i'm so grateful for the power of the priesthood and the blessing of the Holy Ghost that brings comfort and peace to my life.

i am blessed in so many ways, more than i could ever remember to name.

so maybe i will never understand everything that i'm going through, and probably i will look back at this time in my life and laugh at how silly i'm being but i just hope that i can learn what Heavenly Father wants me to.

**

to him: 

you know i love you. and i always will.

if any of my prayers could be answered it would be for you to be happy

 to allow the Holy Ghost to be your constant companion

to fulfill Heavenly Father's will 

to be humble and never let fear overshadow your faith

you have been my greatest teacher, and for that i am grateful.

you have been my best friend, my strength and part of my faith.

you will always be my number one, my wild bill, my skater boy.

i will go forward with faith, i know i need to.

i'll be looking at the moon but i'll be seeing you.

**

my oh my i am SO excited for this semester to be DONE with!!

as soon as it's over i am sleeping in...until i have to wake up for work of course.

i will thoroughly enjoy my 3 weeks off of school before summer classes begin.

physics here i come, i'm going to kick your you know what with my studious-ness.

**

more pics from my fun photoshoot with millie {via Rylin Photography}:

real comfort food

today doesn't really have much of anything special, or exciting for me to look forward to, 

but i am grateful for the new mini-journey i'm beginning.

i'm grateful for prophets, seers and revelators to help bring things to my mind that i probably couldn't recieve on my own. 

i look forward to heeding this counsel and seeing what comes from it.

p.s. happy middle of the week!

midday pick-me-up

i adore this.

i believe it

“Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. 

The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. 

So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. 

They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, 

the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...”

just what i needed

well today was expected to be stressful. i had a bio exam this morning and 3 hours in between to finish my work and study for another bio final exam. everything went well, and even though i did not allow myself to study as much as i should have, i am confident.

**

after school today i had a very special phone call. the voice on the other end offered me encouragement, support and love. i am grateful for this person and their thoughtfulness.

**

then i went to a very good friend of mines son's birthday party. my friend Scarlett's little boy turned 1 today! my how time flies, i remember meeting him in the hospital the day after he was born. he is just as special today as he was on his birthday 1 year ago.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CREW!!!

**

then i went to fhe, and went bowling after with curt, trav and allie; aka ace, bearcat and exlax.

i have not laughed so much in such a long time, i had a superb time. thanks amigos!!

**

thought for the day:

i believe in love. and i'm lucky i'm in love with my best friend.

no matter what, no matter who or when, i hope he always knows.

**

and lastly: i had the opportunity to be in front of my dear friend Millie's camera last week. 

here are some of her photos...of me.

courtesy of Rylin Photography

blue and red

well technically it is now sunday but i'm here to report on how fun my saturday was. 

started out sleeping in until 9. worked from 10-3. played softball. ate in n out burger. 

ate lots of otter pops. played croquet with friends. played on longboards. 

and then sat on a curb outside my house talking with friends 

until the wee hours of the morning. 

summer is officially beginning.

**

it's funny to me how things change. my views, my thoughts, my gut feelings.

as far as feelings go, i can't control those.

but in this case, i have to.

{but i don't want to.}

the color of my heart keeps changing, and it is exhausting.

**

one more thing: i chopped my hair, and put big chunks of blonde in...and i am in love.

i feel a little bit more free everyday. 

i have fun and i like who i am.

song of the day:

kill ~ jimmy eat world